The Enliven Project

Check out our new graphic via The Good Men Project:  The Truth About Men and Sexual Violence

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As someone who was sexually abused by both men and women and who has very close relationships with male survivors of sexual violence, I am both fascinated and troubled by the themes about gender and sexual violence in traditional media, blogs, and general conversation. All too often, sexual violence is viewed as something that takes place between men and women not something that impacts men and women alike.

First and foremost, we’re stuck on the term rape, which is still a very gendered term. Until last year, the federal definition of rape only covered the forcible penetration of a man’s penis in a woman’s vagina. So when we talk about rape – the Steubenville rape, the gang rape in India, or even the rape problem in general – it evokes male perpetrators and female victims.  Rape leaves out other forms of sexual violence that are equally troubling, like child sexual abuse, fondling, or being forced to engage in sexual behavior against one’s will.

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Unbelievable how laws don’t help make us safe. And to think this woman will have to endure another trial.

Trigger Warning: This post contains a personal story about rape. I was 17 and he was my friend. We were having sex – my first time – and I wanted to stop. I said, Can we stop? He said, But I didn’t come yet. I said, But it really hurts. Silence. He was on top. He was bigger. He continued until he was finished. I stared at the ceiling. When he was done, he told me he thought it was great – that I was great. He got dressed. I got dressed. He kissed me goodbye. I was 17 and he was my friend. I wrote this post over and over again, and was conflicted about publishing it. It feels messy and complicated even 15 years later. I invited him over to my house with the intention of having sex. I invited him up to my room, put on some music, and happily made out with him. We got undressed together. He asked if we could have sex and I said yes. But in that one moment when I asked to stop, it all changed. In that one moment, it went from two teenagers messing around to one person deliberately hurting another person. What happened to me hurt me in that moment – physically, emotionally, and mentally. The physical hurt was brief but the emotional and mental damage lasted for many years after that. In the end, was it bad sex or rape? For years, I thought it was just sex – not even bad sex. I thought that once I said yes, it meant yes to everything and everything was defined on the other person’s terms. It didn’t matter if it hurt me or I didn’t want to do it. I thought there was no […]